I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
