I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
