When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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