They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
The best revenge is premature balding
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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