i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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