I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
