Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
