ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
