Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
