I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
