My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize