I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
