Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
