if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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