god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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