I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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