someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
