I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
