You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I'm having to shit out rocks
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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