Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
