birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
All the doctor said was why
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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