Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Watching her eat just hurts me
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
