I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
