pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Randomize
