My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Randomize
