WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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