would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm sobbing to NWA
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
