How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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