OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
