THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
