Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Someone signed my nipple.
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