I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
