Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
