evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
