i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
