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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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