I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
