I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
