I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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