sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
