On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize