youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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