so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
