Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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