Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
