Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
