i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
