I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
