I cut my penus on the lid.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
