Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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