Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
