i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
