She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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