Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
