i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
My feet surprised me
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