You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
