A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
