and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize