note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
