ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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