I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
