There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
