I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
