i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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