I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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