My hair reeks of homosexuality.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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