Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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