I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
