and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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