she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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