you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
