i would punch a child for taco bell
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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