It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
