your thong is hanging out like whoa
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
