just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
